Note:
I changed the newsletter branding again ;-;.
So basically it has gone from A Few Riyal Scribbles → Ctrl Alt Fact → Lexico Musing.
I realised I can’t both be regular and creative, at least not right now. I have some major work to do in that department.
So I am halting my branding efforts for now and focusing on just enjoying live as me. I don’t have a lot to write about these days, I just don’t know anything and a lot of what I studied earlier is just outdated now.
I am diving back into full-time reading and learning and living, I can write for others later.
I want to write for myself right now.
So this publication won’t have fixed days or such, I will write to you guys pretty much whenever I have something cool to share.
Also, for those who might not remember me, I am Riya.
Ok, back to the story.
The Story of Me Reading Stories
I read a lot as a child.
My tryst with reading started with Chandamama Stories, a book I begged my father to buy at a Ravan dahan. I was in 1st grade then.
I couldn’t read properly, so I asked my mother to read the stories (I always wanted family that reads me to sleep). My mother rebuked me to learn reading and to read it.
So I did.
Those stories were really simple to be honest, acharyas and sants and rajas being the best they can be. Sundaris and rajkumaris being abducted by danaavs, being rescued by their prince who they go on to marry.
Basically the Indian version of fairy tales.
But some of those stories literally sent chills down my spine. And it really surprised me.
I was the bravest person I knew, children and adults included (I was so fearless I slept in my own room alone in 1st grade, and if I ever had the urge to pee in the dead of night, I walked alone to the toilet at the other side of building and did my business without turning on the light. I even scared the landlady’s daughter-in-law once, lol.).
So basically, making me so shivery was next to impossible. Even the neighborhood prankster gave up on targeting me.
The book excited me, I picked up other books and haven’t stopped since.
From that time in my life, I only have 2 story books. This Chandamama stories and another short kids’ story about Airy Fairy, a clumsy fairy who goes from being scolded and bullied always to becoming the best fairy in her town by learning from her mistakes.
On the days I feel that I mess up too much- I always ask myself, what would have happened if Airy Fairy had such thoughts and just gave up?
My parents didn’t think story books have any merit to them. So when they stopped buying me story books, I asked them for knowledge books.
I read books like Tell me Why and some Om Publication gems for around 3-4 more years, before we moved to Chandigarh where I had access to everything I’d ever need to make myself into the person I am today.
At the public library of sector-34, I had the privilege of reading Poirot, Tintin, RL Stein, Enid Blyton, the adventures of Holmes, the 36 clues and many other cool series and books.
They were kinda all children’s books looking back, but something in them has given me the courage to be the person I am today.
How Reading Changed Me
Amid the company of such giants, I always felt humbled. I wanted to be the best in the world at everything, but in my mind, one thing was certain-
I can never be a writer.
Even as a middle-school student, I could feel the impact my reading habit was having on me. I was always a slow and clumsy child, not the brightest of the lot.
But reading transformed me into the ‘perfect student’.
Nothing was too difficult for me to learn or understand, I could read at thrice the speed others could, I was good at everything- academics, athletics and extracurriculars.
Above everything, I was as happy when I was winning as I was when I was losing.
To give you an idea of how it changed my being, I stopped reading in 10th grade. Boards are important, the parents said. They stopped letting me go to the library to protect my future -_-. And that’s how they destroyed my future.
I fell prey to depression and other such sad stuff the next year.
I know there will be my loved ones reading this who will ask me whether I am fine now. I am not really fine but very very happy- and this mini library of mine and my loyal and dedicated friends and the partner are always barricading from all the pain in the world.
So don’t worry, I will keep healing this world.
Who Books Are To Me
This was the power my books had on me. I was closer to books than I had ever been to any human ever. They were my parents, my mentors and my friends and siblings.
To me, gods themselves had written all these books. Just like with god, I couldn’t understand how books worked but they always did.
How then, a human as incapable as me, could write like they did?
“It would be easier to win the Nobel Prize in Medicine, a field I know nothing about”, I thought to myself whenever I dared to think I could be a writer.
And Now…
And here I am.
I earn by writing. I heal by writing. And most importantly, I help others around me feel and think with my writing.
I am who I never thought I could be.
Am I a miracle or an exception? Or was this just meant to be?
Reading makes a full man, conversation a ready man, and writing an exact man.
Baron
I remember reading this and mourning, because I thought I would never be a full (exact) man.
And now I am a writer.
Now that I am a writer, though, I don’t know where to go.
Maybe perhaps I am not meant to go anywhere.
Maybe I am supposed to make my own trail now for the posterity to follow in my footsteps.
This isn’t my first time writing by the way. I wrote stories of my own as a child too, inspired by all the adventures kids my age had in the books of RL Stine.
I remember I tried to write a lot of stories. All of them were on paper with pen though, so sadly I don’t have all of them with me.
But on the rare occasions that I do find these pieces of aged papers, I can hardly believe I wrote those. They are such bangers!
The only proof I have that I wrote those is the bad handwriting, no one else in my household has such an illegible writing. My memory fails too in remembering those stories as my own in such times.
But of course, those thrilling beats of narration in the story?
Only I can write that.
Unabashed CTA And Not-so-subtle Promotional Conclusion
I know writers online everywhere are advised to naturally add a conclusion and CTA, but I always hated this ‘push your agenda naturally’ norm. I hated lying about my ‘truthfulness’ to myself, because I already knew.
Hence the header for this last section.
I am not the best writer in the world right now, but to me I am an ideal writer. That title may or may not come, but if I remain true to myself, I can stay true to my pride as a writer and disburser of all the knowledge in this universe.
I can keep writing what I feel and what I see with a 100% honestly.
So, what are your thoughts on reading and writing?
P.S.:
As you already know, after much thoughts and deliberation, I have arrived at the conclusion that half-heartedly trying to ‘brand myself’ will only cause me pain.
There are a number of writings I want to put out there though, but I frankly don’t have the dedication of showing up every 8 pm Thursday evening to be ‘true to myself’. I am also cutting down my screentime brutally.
And so I am inviting collaborations or buyers for the pieces I have already written. I don’t how and where they can be used, maybe motivation accounts or quote-based instagram accounts?
I think a good commercial use would be Psychology practices, but the problem is I write very bluntly. If I see some wrong, I point it out whether Psychology or religion.
Here are a few pieces though for everyone to enjoy.
If you want to check if they truly love you, imagine their response if you start loving someone else one day.
If they will stand with you one last time and give your hand away to someone who will make you happier, they will do so with the brightest of smiles and the heaviest of hearts.
Wanting to know this means you either don't love them or your pain has conditioned you into believing love doesn't exist.
But if you are waiting for them to love you so that you can love them, do yourself and them a favour and leave them right now.
Religious books make heaven a place where the Gods split themselves to make sure their children remain united.
Religion on earth makes heaven out to be a place where different gods are gambling and playing battle royale to see who has the most followers, practising the most ridiculous things.
The things gods never imagined would be a part of the world he created.
If you want equality, go touch grass.
Trees will give you exactly the same amount of shade it will to a privileged person.
No government policy could ever be this equal to all.
Only another monster can beat one monster.
The only difference between the villain and the hero is what they do with their pain- one hates it, other accepts it.
No one just moves on, no one can.
You can only blame the world for letting it happen or get stronger to fight against it yourself.
I put my hands out to shove you away but you grabbed them and pulled me closer.
I struggled and fought, but you held on and calmed me down with your patience and love.
You don't say a lot, but your actions scream louder than any voice can:
"You are safe with me. I will lock your tears in the most secure vault I have so go live the dream you long to die for."
And for the first time in my life, I started crying because I was too happy and confused to show my joy in any other way than with tears.
The last one made me cry when I copy-pasted it here, lol.
I actually cried writing most of these though.
If these words made you think deeply, I count it as a win. And if I find a collaborator, that’s a bonus.
P.S.S: You can email at gamma321800@gmail.com to get more of these, or to let me know about you or someone else you know willing to work with me on these. I am also open to someone using these to start creator account together and us sharing the profits.
There are at least 50 more waiting!
Finally organised all of these- phew!
Bonus SneakPeek: Probably Next Issue
I was reading the now declassified report by CIA on ‘Analysis and Assessment of Gateway Process’.
It is a report on an experiment conducted during the Cold War- is astral projection possible?
It was one of the questions explored, at least.
It has a short account on workings of the human mind, and reading it made me wonder:
Who else apart from humans hallucinates so much and is known to present those imagined mumblings as the truth?
The AI models of today.
And so I am going to learn the workings of the two. I already have an ‘appointment’ with a friend who is a passionate engineer (the best in my circle at it), but I want to talk to more people who are knowledgeable on the workings of both the computer brains and human brains, starting from the basic level of chips’ 1s and 0s to the electrical, and hormonal communication between individual neurons; to the advanced interpreting and executing user-given codes in python, java, etc., and being motivated, running away from dangers in case of humans.
And also learning how the two hallucinate, what are the similarities and differences in their information processing methods?
So if you are anyone you know can help me with these, do let me know!
Originally published on Substack. View Discussion on Substack →
