I have written about the layers of finding your life purpose, a brief on why finding the life purpose can help you in being motivated without the need for external motivation and news of my new publication.
Last year, around this time.
I was hanging out at the flat of a friend (a therapist by profession) and asking her questions on how to improve.
I didn’t see or understand why I needed to improve frankly, I was content to be who I was even if I was down or sad most of the time.
I told her about how I was not driven to improve:
“Ye grow krne ke lie motivation kahan se laate hain?” (From where do we get the motivation to grow?)
Her reply:
“Yaar wo toh andar se aati hai.” (It comes from within)
Me:
“But mere andar nahi hai.” (I don’t have it inside me)
Her:
“Wo hoti hai sabke andar.” (Everyone has it inside them)
Me:
“Mere andar kahan hai?” (Where is it inside me?)
Her:
“"Maine tereko sirf uske lie motivate hote dekha hai, usse puch na.” (You only get motivated for him, ask him).
Him here refers to my partner. According to her, I only get motivated for him.
And she was not wrong.
How I changed
For 6 painful years of my life, I oscillated between psychiatrists and psychologists and mental wards, all the time wondering why I was broken the way I was.
How can anyone be so broken?
Was I a mistake to be alive?
I attempted to take my life multiple times. I felt unwanted and broken and alone in a perfectly ordered world.
And now, nothing can take away my vitality towards life. I love being alive, my life is my fulfillment.
After just 1 year of meeting him, I was happy, consistently so. I had done away with my trauma, radically transformed my perspective on my work as a writer and a human, understood the people I used to hate and rage against and their motivation in imparting the cruelty and could actually talk to them without hating them for giving me birth.
I am fulfilled.
Staying intrinsically motivated is the most joyful path to living a fulfilled life. It is not perfect. It is not very clear. And it is the hardest way to live, and paradoxically the happiest as well.
My partner helped me become an intrinsically motivated person, but not in the way you think. Let me be dramatic here and reveal how he helped later on, haha.
Levels of reasoning out our life purpose
For now, look at this diagram I made on the levels of reasoning you need to pass through to find intrinsic motivation:
You don’t actually need to be at level 7 to achieve fulfillment, being at level 4 will give you a fairly certain direction in life you will be motivated to walk through for yourself. Level 7 is what is usually called transcendence, moksha, mukti, nirvana, enlightenment, etc etc.
I have divided it into levels for easier labelling. Let’s explore these one-by-one.
Level 1= What you think you want
This level is what you are made to think you want to be. In India, this level has woefully limited options approved by our loved ones- doctor, engineer, CA, and after that you must get married to someone chosen by family and have kids with this person you may not know.
This level is shrouded with the most fogginess because in this level, you are made to think you want to be a dr/engg/CA (forgive me for not typing full) is to help your family.
“I want to make my family proud of me.”
Many people set out on this path for their 24LPA straight out of college life. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to make your family proud or wanting to earn a comfortable amount of money, it’s actually a very good thing on your end. But the issue arises when you cannot sustain it.
Do you know a person who was brilliant in school, excelling in every freaking thing, got a college people would do anything to get into, and then, kinda just fizzle out?
They were the magnet of success, and now? You know nothing about them. Crickets. Asking questions from others only gets you a “Haan. Admission toh liya parr kar nahi paaya. Nahi kar paate sab.” (Yes. He took admission but couldn’t do it. Not everyone can.)
People accept that explanation as obviously, school is easier than college. But I always saw it as a half-truth. I thought people were hiding something but they are not, nobody actually knows what happens to such genii.
Let me introduce you to one such genius. Me.
Academics, extracurricular, sports- I was good at all three. The best. Students complained on ‘how can anyone be good at everything, its not fair’ and I have actually been asked to stop being proud and give others a chance to rise.
But 11th grade saw me going into cloudiness, a fog so dense that I didn’t understand something was wrong with me. For 2 years I was just alive through this fog.
And me passing high school also saw me passing the boundaries of insanity- I was pathologically abnormal.
It all happened too fast for me to process.
But I know why it happened now, let’s dive into it in our level 2.
Level 2= What society wants you to do
In 10th grade, my visits to the library stopped. The books would distract me from my studies, apparently.
For those who are new, libraries are a safe haven for me. I raised myself on books, and everything I know, how I think and how I feel- everything is something that these books defined for me. They are the parents who raised me.
I was put in a coaching in 10th grade, because apparently these guys knew something about cracking boards I didn’t.
In 11th grade my preparation for IIT started, an exam I knew nothing about, except it was to help me get into a good engineering college.
After school, I was moved to a college I knew nothing about.
Do you guys see a pattern? (I couldn’t keep the derision out of my tone, sorry.)
I was made to do everything that was ‘good for me’ and ‘best for my future’, but I had not agreed to doing any of it for myself.
It was something I didn’t want to do, but I did it anyways because I thought ‘they know more than me’. Turns out they don’t.
And now before listening to any advice like these, I ask myself:
Is this guy living a life I want to live?
If the answer is no, I will nod yes, look it up, and forget it 2 days later.
I feel guilty ignoring their advice, but it is the best for me.
People don’t advice the best for you, most people advice what is the best for them or what would have been the best for them.
And therefore most of the ‘dreams’ we have and the goals we set?
They are based on societal advice.
A bit more on intrinsic motivation
Intrinsic motivation means being motivated about something from within. Some people love ridiculous stuff, and if you ask them about it, they will give a vague answer. That is because it just is, they don’t know why they love it they just do.
You can’t motivate anyone else because motivating others doesn’t last. We are all wired to listen to each other and especially take others’ advices so seriously as if our survival depends on it, which is why we do take that advice seriously and work on it but when their influence is gone, we don’t even think about what we were working so hard on. The motivation exists as long as they do.
Well, that’s not entirely our wrong to take others’ advice and motivation. It is not true for us anymore, but for our ancestors, their survival depended on taking advices.
Why we cannot just ignore advice
Imagine yourself as an early human, living in a new cave you found near a river in a forest rich with berries, nuts, and game.
One day, while sharpening a spear outside, you see another group passing by. They are carrying their belongings—animal skins, stone tools, baskets of food—and they seem to be leaving the area.
You gesture toward the forest and raise your eyebrows, a silent question. "Why?"
One of their hunters points toward the mountains and makes a low growl, then slashes his hand through the air- danger. He points to you, then toward the trail they are taking, urging you to come.
You don’t fully understand why, but you know they are warning you. Still, the forest is plentiful, and moving would mean leaving behind your new shelter and starting over.
If you go, you’ll never learn why they left- just that you abandoned a good hunting ground.
If you stay, you’ll discover too late that this lush forest lies in the hunting territory of a massive cave lion, and you’ve set up home in its preferred denning area. En fin to you and bon appetite to our big cat.Do you see now why we are wired to take advice?
Our ancestors’ survival depended on listening to others. Back then we were organised in tribes and the scout would map out the area stealthily, and if he says a predator is coming and you don’t take his advice seriously, you would be dead.
But we don’t live in jungles today, at least not the natural ones.
In this era of concrete jungles, the opposite is true. Let’s see how.
Level 3= Why society wants you to do what it wants you to do
In the caveman example, a wise caveman gave you an advice and assuming you followed it, you lived.
Back then survival was our priority as a species, and taking that advice saved your life.
But today, survival is the bare minimum for humans. Everyone is expected to survive, in fact, barely surviving is frowned upon. You must do better than that.
And thus the society advises you to become a dr/engg/ca. It will help you survive.
When they advice you, the society is not giving a dead-set path that is the only path to success. They are giving you the safest path to success.
But assuming that we even need the safest path to success is an insult to our abilities. Its like they have given you a goal in life, but by limiting your views on what you can do competently, they have boxed you into a cage of safety.
A cage that knows nothing about you and worse, limits your ability to show potential or work on it if it is not inside this cage.
We have given you our best, the safest option. It will help you solve all your problems (according to we think are your problems) so you cannot fail now.
This mindset is why nobody can accept people can fail in life, and why anything that is not aligned with thinking makes you a selfish person in their eyes. It is also why you are reduced to biology and surgery when you are good at marketing and making good food.
Being a doctor is not better than being a restaurant business owner, in fact in the long run the second will be more profitable. But people cannot see you, they only ‘understand’ what they think everyone is right about. But if they actually were, they would be living a happy and successful life, no?
There is a big reason why people support their kids doing anything, even unconventional stuff, but they frown on others’ kids doing the same. This apathy makes us mad, but its not really apathy. Its ignorance.
From the society’s lens, they are doing nothing wrong. They are giving you a sure-shot path to success. They want the best for you (inside them, they don’t really). So if you fail on this path, you are a loser.
The ignorance lies in ignoring that we all are different humans with different capabilities and different stuff important in our lives. Maybe the relative is not good at maths but you are.
The relative is advising you to against being a mathematician because they don’t know,
1. the potential in that career
2. your own potential.
And they are ignoring the fact that they don’t know anything about both of these things.
Now I feel it is the parent’s responsibility to defend a child here, if they want to continue having this nosy person inside their home.
But our parents are not very happy with their lives either, are they?
They are frustrated that they can’t buy the new large HD TV, they cannot buy a new Audi, they don’t have money to help you study on your own terms wherever you want to, they couldn’t buy you a new laptop to help you do your calculations better, they couldn’t be successful themselves and on and on and on.
And like other members of the society, they are ignorant too and too proud to admit.
If they couldn’t be an engineer, there must have been a reason? Something that they lacked, right?
But they don’t think on it and blame it on their circumstances. “My school was too far from home”, for example.
And now, armed with the relatives’ advice and their own unfulfilled dreams, they force you to be an engineer.
They are not trying to break you down, they are just doing what they think is the best for you.
But you are not wrong.
You are not needlessly in pain, your wounds are real. They hurt and they bleed when the people you believe in to protect you “sell you out”.
That feeling of that they betrayed you?
It is real.
But they are not doing it despite knowing it. And you are not being a bad child or human for rebelling.
You are just being yourself.
(To be continued)
Note:
Society is not asking you to do things because they always want the best for you. Most of them don’t. But its a very complex topic I cannot go into detail without doubling the length of this article, so let’s leave it for some other day.
Before I wrap up the newsletter, let me explain why my partner is the only one who could motivate me to want to live and grow.
Nobody can define your life for you; only you can.
I was miserable because I let others define my life, what I wanted to be, what I could do and could not do. All of them meant well, but they could not tell what actually meant well for me and it was my fault that I relied on others to find more about myself.
Love is like a mirror, that was the first letter I wrote to him and posted to his address. It was some 9-page long love letter, I will decode it for you in some other edition.
But to explain its essence, basically true love is where you can see yourself clearly. It is not a manly man and a docile wife, it is where the lovers can live how they want to live by themselves.
He provided me the space where I could be myself without filters, and that’s what made me fall in love with him, then my life, and finally, with myself.
Armed with this clarity of who I am, what I want and the path I want to follow to be who I want to be, I use my partner as a mirror to grow as a person, and he does the same.
Love is uncomfortable and it is meant to be. No couple is perfect for each other, but growing to be the ideal lover for them?
That’s the life force of love. And growing yourself to be happy and proud to be yourself?
That’s your vital life force driving you to live, laugh, love, smile, and be.
Wrapping up
So yeah, that’s how I think about life purpose. I see it as an onion with layers.
I still don’t know much beyond level 4, a big reason being I haven’t figured it out myself.
I don’t know what level you are at right now, but let me assure you that understanding these levels would be a blessing.
You know how some life coaches advertise that you will be intrinsically motivated for everything you want to achieve in life after you discover your life purpose and complete their course?
Well, they are partially right. Discovering your life purpose will give you motivation unaffected by everything else but you do not have to take their course to live a fulfilling life.
Why would they want you to be fulfilled and happy if you won’t buy their happiness package?
It’s a drug meant to induce the illusion of completion in life (again, some other issue perhaps).
But you don’t need anyone and anything (not even this newsletter) to help you feel excited for life and work. In fact, I expect a person who will actually be benefitted from this newsletter will read it, forget all about it, be uncomfortable, read it again after a while and then start their journey of exploration on their own (its just a theory that I would be happy if it happens.)
My purpose is not to make you agree with me but to make you think. If you disagree with any part, that is success for me because you had to think to disagree.
So do write all your feedback, queries, doubts, agreements and disagreements to me at: gamma321800@gmail.com. I will be waiting for your mail.
Finally taking the leap to ask myself my worth…
I hate money. I don’t know why, I just do.
Which is why I struggle a lot. I don’t care about many things, for instance why my partner wants a vroom-vroom bike. It looks cool, but it’s noisy and high-maintenance you know?
I am happy to be in my world and hoard books and eat tasty once in a while (try a double-patty McD aloo tikki with extra tom mayo and tell me its not good). I go to the book fair in Pragati maidan every year without fail and this year I couldn’t, and frankly it broke my heart. Wanting things like these and my basic living expenses make me want to earn more.
And so I will also be launching a paid newsletter, effectively making Oh, The Joy of Being Human! into another publication. You will get these newsletters here too, but after 1 month of its publication there.
I really really enjoy writing deeply, but its unfortunately not sustainable for making a living without charging for it. This newsletter took me a morning to wrote (I started at 07:30, its 12:32 now), but I have been thinking about these layers for around 4 days now.
The thinking consumes a lot of my power and energy, I actually couldn’t work on the blogs (that I write for my clients) while thinking this, when usually I get them done and dusted in max 4 hours.
I will keep it nominal though, Rs 250/month is what I am thinking. The purpose is not for me to charge you and limit knowledge but to make my writing sustainable, and currently I am focused on testing it out.
I believe knowledge should be free, and I want to keep it accessible to all. I am thinking of providing this advanced access for supporters for all my content, but let me make a library of it first. This new newsletter will be launched after 1 month probably, so that you can have a taste for more of my thoughts before deciding whether to pay or not. Or you can just not pay. Your feedback and thoughts are just as much supportive as your money for me, money will feed my hunger and your feedback will nourish my mind.
You can also choose to donate now with UPI. Download payment QR here.
If you choose to donate now, you will get the first month of publication’s subscription at the amount you choose to donate now.
And as a special token of my gratitude for being the first peeps to empower my dreams, you will get a special piece of writing from me dedicated to your being. I will need to connect with you and feel you though, so don’t forget to add your contact detail in the comment before making the payment. There is no limit to what I can write for you, what I feel about you I can write about you.
For example, I can write some words similar to these for you, your loved ones, whether family, friends or romantic partner (I wrote this for my partner):
I put my hands out to shove you away but you grabbed them and pulled me closer. I struggled and fought, but you held on and calmed me down with your patience and love.
You don't say a lot, but your actions scream louder than any voice can: "You are safe with me. I will lock your tears in the most secure vault I have so go live the dream you long to die for."
And for the first time in my life, I started crying because I was too happy and confused to show my joy in any other way than with tears.
Connect with me on Discord if you want to have a one-on-one discussion.
So long for now, sayonara!
Originally published on Substack. View Discussion on Substack →
